Alright, last week we played the second and the last session my group spent in Dunnsmouth and boy do I have a tale to tell about it.
A tour in the Scenic Dunnsmouth
Here's the next chapter in the tale of our group. To reiterate, the party consists of Huxley, an elf harbouring delusions of godhood; Boris the Dwarf, ex-member of the dwarven KGB; Wilbur, Specialist who's in it for the money; and Florence the Fighter, man with the best armour, most HP and only ranged weapons. They are joined by Father Matthew (a Cleric), who thinks that the best way to appease THE LORD is a good whip and a bloody back.
After the dealing with the Pale Lady our group headed north to a small port town of Lincoln, where they spent a couple of days restocking and playing a local tavern game Sting. (It involved the local gentry bribing outsiders and other fools to lie down in a box full of scorpions. Got it from Vornheim, love that book.)
When a dutch trading vessel stops by, Florence spends some time haggling for passage. After trying to get a passage to "North", "Edinburgh", "Liverpool", "Somewhere", the Captain politely asks, if they have any idea where they're going (and how big a bounty are they fleeing): Florence lets the name Dunnsmouth past his lips. "Why didn't you say so? We can leave you crazy people there and pick you up a month later."
Uneventful voyage later the sailors leave the party on an old decrepit pier. Soon they are greeted by Herman Van Kaus, who grudgingly draws a crude map to get the outsiders off his back. Florence leaves his horse and pavilion tent (which are soon eaten and stolen by Herman) by the pier.
The party goes to meet the local clergyman, Father Iwanopoulos and soon decide that he's a lazy sod who gets nothing done. They spend a day touring the swamp and squeezing money out of the poor townsfolk. Some highlights include:
They drink moonshine with Obediah Duncaster, and later his wife Jezebel seduces Florence the Fighter, while the rest of the party ('cept Huxley, who tried to match Obediah's drinking) visit Obediah's aunt Ester. Jezebel tells Florence about great hiking paths in the mountains and how they could have a picnic there. The two agree on a date next day.
The party is thoroughly creeped out by Jimbo Samson and fail to get him to put his pants on. In their haste to get away they ignore the telltale glow of the Time Cube. Jimbo just enjoys the rays of his blue sun. That's why he built his house there.
They debate with Magda whether the witch needs to pay the tax as she is just visiting. Both sides try to Charm and Command each other with little success. Magda warns the party about Uncle Ivanovich, a mad hermit who's been after her for a long time, and provides the first cryptic clues about the Time Cube. The party strikes a deal with Magda that they help her get rid of the Uncle and she aids them in whatever endeavours they have in the town.
Huxley the Elf spends an hour diving around Klaudia Van Kaus' submerged first floor looking for a locket that doesn't exist. Almost drowns.
Boris the Dwarf and Father Matthew get too agitated when giving downtrodden Millard Dunlop financial (and relationship) advice.
They try to buy one of his sons to totally become a monk, but settle on the lacquered heirloom armour.
Herman Van Kaus, who had eaten Florens' horse and stolen his pavilion tent, claims to know nothing about either and insists that his new tent is merely a coincidental purchase. The party decides against killing the thief when he begins pelting them with furniture and coins, as they prefer not to agitate the locals too much. (And because they saw Klaudia's crossbow and collection of poisons)
Noticing gorgeous Billy Sue's interest, the party abandons Boris in her care so he would 'get some'. Spends next few hours avoiding her advances.
The party also learned that Klaudia van Kaus and Uncle Ivanovich are related somehow. As we ended the first session the party was preparing a visit to the Uncle. Interestingly, my players were really interested in the locals and in every house they bombarded the residents with trivia questions like "How are you related to the other people in this town?", "What's your wife's maiden name? Where is she from?", "What do you do for a living here?", "When was the last time you paid tax? How much do YOU think you should be
paying?". This took me by surprise as I was expecting more greedy of the indifference I had seen before.
They also spent a lot of time inquiring the locals about a path through the mountains. This made me stat out a small mountain village (where many locals claimed to be from) and the hike across the mountains. I should have known that by the second session, the players had lost all the interest in the locals and the mountains and ultimately left Dunnsmouth by the sea.
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We had some time between sessions one and two, and by the next time we played our group had been joined by two new players. Fast Bob the Fighter, a former master assassin and cat burglar (with a Dex of 4!), who came to Dunnsmouth escaping his latest (failed) mark and looking for new work as a bodyguard (the job seems really easy by comparison!) He meets Jimbo Samson, who "hires" him to "deal" with the rich outsiders that harass the outsiders and are a general nuisance. The other player decides to play Magda as she's level 2, has Summon and is already in the village. (In my game players can either roll a fresh PC at level 1 or possess an eligible NPC who's positively inclined towards the party.)
Both make their way to the church. Fast Bob sneaks through the bog, but is spotted by Florence, who woke up early to take the lovely Jezebel camping in the mountains and steals the party's only boat to do so). Luckily he took Bob for a particularly big leech and the two passed each other unawares.
At the church Fast Bob performs his penultimate triple-vault-crash-to-the-floor manouver and is simultaneously outnumbered and surrounded. He and the party soon become friends.
They head out to Uncle Ivanovich's dwelling, a half-complete brick cottage in northern Dunnsmouth. Father Matthew (who's acting as the party face and the team leader at the moment) ignores Magda's pleas for subterfuge. They are on the church's business and thus have nothing to fear. They come ashore and knock on the door. "It's the church! Open the door NOW!" Matthew shouts and hears only barking in answer. "No use pretending to be a dog, Ivanovich! We know you're there!"
Frustrated at the hermit's deception, Matthew orders Bob to investigate, who promptly jumps in via an unbuilt window. A large warhound greets him and Bob jumps right back out. The party circles the cottage and digs around the refuse pit fishing out some human bones. "Quite the digestion the guy has," Boris comments.
"Oh well, he's not in. We should come back later." Matthew decides. "Eff that, lets just loot the place" Huxley the Elf rebuts. "Fast Bob, come to the door and deal with the mutt when it comes out."
Huxley kicks the door in and is squished by a cartload of bricks that had been balanced over the door. And before anyone has a chance to be shocked, Ivanovich' rottweiler springs from the door and lunges for Bob's throat. Bob and the dog trade blows and ultimately Bob emerges victorious. He and Boris venture inside the cabin, while the rest remain to loot Huxley's corpse.
The house's interior proves to be quite sparse and the duo refuses to touch the only remotely valuable thing (dozen golden teeth on the table, parts of jaw still hanging from it). They do discover a partially exposed cellar hidden under a tarp and descend to investigate it.
Meanwhile outside, Magda, Matthew and Wilbur are arguing, who gets to keep Huxley's spellbook (formerly the Pale Ladys). When their backs are turned, something rises from the bog. "Whasyadoinimmahowze?" Ivanovich mumbles and stumbles towards Magda with his cleaver raised.
He gets one good hit in before Magda runs inside. She doesn't see the exposed pit and falls. Luckily Fast Bob, who was trying to come back up, breaks her fall and the two tumble down with minimal damage.
So, currently Wilbur and Father Matthew are alone with the mad hermit Ivanovich ("Whassadoinwifmewife,yebasterd?I'ssgunnastabyewifmehatchetansprinklespiceinyerprettehface").
Uncle proves to be almost too much for the two, especially when Bob, Boris and Magda deem it better to hide in the cellar. (Granted, only after Bob almost broke his neck trying to climb up and Boris almost hitting Wilbur with his grapnel as he wildly tried to drag Uncle Ivanovich down.)
With some solid blows they do manage to bring Ivanovich to half health and the geezer decides to make for it and flee. ("I'llgetyenexttime,yesonsoffrondarses.I'llgetmehsparkliesanskeweryewifmebricks!"
Matthew pursues and forces Ivanovich to confront him, but the encounter ends badly: 6th level Ivanovich still had almost 30hp left, while the 1st level Matthew had just ten. The cleric is decapitated by the murderous hermit, who hoots in triumph and disappears with Matthew's head.
The remaining quartet leave after fishing the rest from the cellar and checking that it contains only jars of pickled man.
They make note to bring the corpses back with them for a proper burial.
Meanwhile in the mountains, Florence has been led to a pictoresque ruin by Jezebel. He fails to see the charm of the cave that is barely visible under all the cobwebs, but in the promise of pie and a great view he agrees to set their towel on the rocks before it.
Time passes and food is eaten and Florence begins to feel a bit drowsy. He doesn't notice the three men emerging from the cave, but finds the resolve to struggle weakly, when they grab him. "I'm sorry, honey, but you'll understand. I promise no harm will come to you," Jezebel says. Florence is taken to the cave and bitten. And then he understands, why it had to be done and that he loves the spider with all his heart.
Some hours later the party is united back at the church. Huxley's replacement, Book the Shepherd (the Cleric), joined the party soon after they arrived. He had drifted along Dunn river in search of adventure. Their stew (frog legs, Father Iwanopoulos' favourite) attracted Matthew's new character Ecuador the Halfling. As they feast, Florence regales everyone with tales of the cave in the mountains and the friendly shepherds living there. He says they should all go together to tax them. "Without any weapons and armour preferably. They can get very nervous."
The rest get very suspicious, but eventually agree to go there first thing in the morning. Magda shoots Florence a knowing look and they covertly figure out that they're both in the cult.
The local clergyman and their host, Father Iwanopoulos, also politely inquires on how the tax effort goes. When Wilbur laments how pisspoor the locals are, Iwanopoulos tells that apparently there's another village, Dunnbank, northward along the river. He has never seen any people from there and the locals seem to avoid the subject, but if it exists, it surely would also pay the tax. He also passes along a rumour that Klaudia Van Kaus has hidden most of her riches in the Van Kaus mausoleum.
Hearing that Book declares that graverobbery is a sin, but using a tomb as a bank is even greater one.
Next day they venture into the mountains and easily find the site Florence spoke so much about. They snoop around the area and clear some webbing away from four obelisks to discover four insectoid carvings. (Ant, centipede, cockroach and a mosquito.) But when Florence urges them to venture inside an argument breaks out. Wilbur accuses him of being too suspicious, while Book wonders how a flock of shepherds could ever support themselves in such a dank cave. No cajoling from Florence manage to convince either them and the group turns tail and returns to Dunnsmouth. The three cultists hiding in the cave breathe in relief as the scary adventurers leave them and their cuddly spider god be.
(And thus my meticulously planned site of Van Kaus' shame went unexplored and the ties to Goblin Hill unfound.)
Next the party decides to try their luck with the Van Kaus mausoleum. When their finest lockpicks fail to open the its locked door, Wilbur declares the building cursed and the party begins searching the graveyard for another way in.
"Mausoleum's totally have backdoors, they're much like malls, but for the dead," Ecuador shares his wisdom.
They find no backdoors, but Magda recognises a peculiar ankh that signifies an entrance to the ominous Ghoul Market (from Vacant Ritual Assembly #1) scrawled on one grave. Book is also familiar with the sign and reminds Magda that ghouls are hungry and always demand tribute.
Father Iwanopoulos arrives to the scene and greets the group joyously as he's never had much attendants in a funeral, but he is quickly pestered away. "No need to strain yourself, friend! Book's a priest and we can handle the proceedings for you!" The party quickly empty the coffins and drag the corpses to the ankh.
They dig themselves a hole and crawl to the ghoul market. Denizens eye them hungrily, but are satisfied by the two (almost) fresh corpses. "Cleric flesh, how exquisite! But next time bring the head too."
The group is mostly creeped out by most of the shopkeepers, but take a liking to Vespero, who offers to sell them magical items and accepts coin and lifeforce. We have a short shopping montage and in the end of it the whole party is somewhat dumber, uglier, and clumsier, but Bob is the proud owner of a pickchicken egg (claimed to open any lock), Ecuardo got himself a basket that never runs out of (cursed) food while Wilbur now has a Candle of Ill lumination (the holder is the only living thing it gives light). Florence also got something for himself: a key with heart shaped handle. This "Key of Love" apparently leads a pure soul to the fair princess of Duvan'Ku, who lies in enchanted sleep waiting for a knight to marry her and reclaim the riches of her kingdom.
The party also browses some of the hexmarks (tattooed spells), but eventually they leave the way they came. (They don't dwell on the fact that if they hadn't used Huxley's and Matthew's carcasses to buy their passage, skinsmith could have stitched both of them back together.)
Bob takes the pickchicken to the mausoleum's doors and the impossible lock is open! (Really, Wilbur just had horrible luck with Tinkering.)
Now able to enter, the party takes care not to repeat same the sloppy mistakes they did at Ivanovich's house. They stay close to the wall and use an oar to prod the floor and walls ahead of them. They spend some time trying to appease the Reaper statue that watches over the mausoleum (and Fast Bob accidentally gets cursed). Soon they accidentally trigger a secret switch when trying to appease the statue and are let into the flooded crypts. Wilbur and Bob dive for valuables ("That nefarious hag Klaudia! She has hidden all her valuables in her ancestors' corpses!") and Bob almost drowns, when one of the dead objects to his graverobbing.
Bob decides he's had enough and as the others aren't willing to go into the water anymore, the party departs.
The players are slowly getting fed up with the village and elect not to risk visiting Dunnbank (and thus, never encounter the Potemkiman residing there). They get ready to leave Dunnsmouth, but Magda insists upon studying the Time Cube first. The group makes their way towards the blue glow (they had confirmed the Cube's location by asking their Lucifer in the mirror about it). They decide not to visit Buck Samson on the way.
Magda is the first one to approach the Cube and the rest have a gay old time throwing rocks at her, hitting her with sticks and laughing at her slow-mo reactions as the time slows logarithmically around her.
Getting tired of waiting for hours, Florence and Ecuardo eventually join her to see what the fuzz is all about. They read the inscription on the cube and lose the ability to gauge the track of time. They discuss for "some time" before coming back where the rest have already set up camp.
Magda makes the claim that she might be able to summon the entity in the cube, but to succeed she needs sacrifice. Human sacrifice.
Florence immediately volunteers Jezebel. Father Iwanopoulos and Jezebel's husband Obediah are also considered. Their final choice is Uncle Ivanovich as he's the highest level person in town and easier to carry than three 0th level nobodies.
They lay a trap: Magda goes alone to Ivanovich's cottage, while the others hide in the swamp. The Uncle cannot resist the lure for long and when he comes to claim his 'wife' everyone rushes to grapple him. He makes for a mighty struggle, but gets tied and taken to the Time Cube. Book, Wilbur and Boris don't want to be anywhere near a summon spell, so they return to the church, where they hear that Iwanopoulos had taken them for dead as they'd been gone for weeks.
At the Cube Magda performs the ritual and succeeds beautifully (first non-botch summon I've seen). Old Man Time emerges from the Cube, under the thrall of Magda. Surprised that she hasn't been killed, possessed nor dragged into an alien dimension, she begins to demand all kinds of services from the Old Man.
"Make my friend faster!" she yells and points at Fast Bob. Old Man Time has no choice but to obey, so he conjures a timekeeper and winds it up. Bob is now under a permanent haste spell (also causing him to age twice as fast and perceiving everyone as if under Slow).
"It works!" Magda exclaims and decides to be even more generous. "Make me and my two friends immortal," she orders and indicates Florence and Ecuador.
"I can ensure you will outlast all currently known civilisations. Does that satisfy you?" Old Man Time asks.
"So, like a stasis of some kind?" Magda asks.
"Can we continue our lives normally?" Florence and Ecuador ask.
"Yes," Old Man Time answers.
"Well, that's good enough for me! Do so and you may leave," Magda promises. Obeying, Old Man lifts his cloak and hurls it over Magda, Florence and Ecuador. He vanishes and Bob is alone in the swamp with his friends frozen in time and the Time Cube lifelessly sinking into the bog.
Bob makes his way back to the church to tell the news to Wilbur, Book and Boris. On the way he notices that Dunn's current is slowly but surely picking up. At the church he can almost see the sun peeking through the fog.
"You sure took your time, where are the rest?" Boris asks Bob.
"It'scomplicatedandpleacewhymustyoutalksoslowly?" Bob replies and brings the remaining party to the Cube. (It's worth noting even if Bob's and Ivanovich's lines are both written all together, Bob's talking superfast while Ivanovich jsut slurrs and mumbles heavily.)
After making sure Magda and co are immovable, the party fashions crude signs to warn possible intruders ("Our friends. Do Not Touch."), they also decide to leave the Time Cube there as none of them knows anything about it and they doubt it'd sell for much. After two weeks of vigil, they spot a passing ship and barter for passage. It's getting cold as their brief visit inside lasted four months outside.
We ended our adventure in Dunnsmouth here with half of the party dead, the rest on their way to London, where Wilbur finally intends to crack the spine on his travelogue to the island of Thule. We played (the first part of) Thulian Echoes this week, but that's a tale for another time!
TL;DR version: Our party of murderhobos accidentally performs mostly good deeds and save the day during their stay in Dunnsmouth. Half of the party manages to escape relatively wealthy, while the rest must first wait for 4000 years to pass.